WHEN loneliness gnaws at the roots of the night, many of us take away our wee flashes of existence themselves and look for validation and confrontation on the internet. Perhaps we subliminally thank the horror of finite consciousness every time we click away – time-consuming pop-up ads – especially those with sporting, showy stars – stripes-banners, decorated with legend & # 39; healthierpatriot.com & # 39 ;.
Those who have time to burn, however, such as insomniacs and, soon, Sunday Herald readers, may choose to join the naive and desperate by exploring the content hidden under clickbait headlines such as & # 39; The Unusual Link Between Alzheimer's and Coconut Oil: Doctors Are Perplexed! ". However, these masochists must be warned: the pop-ups of healthypatriot.com present the latest news in a striking font, so that it intentionally vulgar can lead to infertility, the evolution of consciousness in individual semen who refuses to sow a world where such horrors exist, ignites.
So, hoping to save myself the slaughterhouse of a conventional vasectomy, I courageously ventured into the article to learn how coconut oil "47,187 people have already helped prevent, stop and reverse their symptoms of Alzheimer's and dementia". Perhaps the doctors who have calculated this suspiciously accurate number must also try to cure hemorrhoids, because they are clearly good at distributing bait.
Yet I have been sold. I am already online ordering all the coconuts that a Tesco deliverer can wear, convinced that I will forever remember every boring second of my inconspicuous existence. This is because I am enchanted by a small photo of the creator of healthierpatriot.com, a smiling middle-aged gentleman with a twinkle in his eyes who takes the solid, honest name of Martin Reilly.
He looks reassuringly reliable and professional, the kind of man you would not want to tell to get your affairs in order when the MRI results come through. He shows off that clearly American protruding male jaw line, which is perhaps a flattering optical illusion that is gifted by his strong, dominant nose and thick shock of white hair, artfully swept into a self-conscious unkempt side barn. In essence, he is Dick Van Dyke in Diagnosis: Murder.
Further study reveals that Reilly is convinced that coconut oil "Big Pharma" – the familiar warcry of every unconscious scientologist – has cost "tens of thousands of dollars" so far, and that the addition of the substance has also revealed that they do not intend to to cure someone from these devastating brain diseases. "Apparently, this" brain food "reverses memory loss and heals Alzheimer's disease in just 30 days, leaving" the medical community stunned. "And, presumably, the" cure "that prays for the sweet embrace of death to liberate them from the hell of capturing a sparkling spirit in a dehydrated septuagenist sandbag body.
But despite the fact that Reilly suggests the existence of "stunned doctors", no names are mentioned and no one is quoted. He does not wear a white coat in his wee picture and if we have learned something from toothpaste ads, it is that people who fool health products are legally obliged to wear white coats – even if their qualifications come from a drama school instead of a medical one. In his pop-up healthierpatriot.com, Reilly is confidently sporting a smooth sweater with V-neck, the sort of thing David Bowie would have worn to the cricket.
How can we believe him then? Should we simply be sold by his paternal, dominant alpha attitude alone? How can we be sure that he even exists and is not just a stock image of a well-preserved white American male?
Well, we're googling his name, of course. And it seems that Reilly is indeed a real person, a "science coach" and writer of various unprovable and unverified theories about health and well-being. His program "Memory Repair Protocol" claims to help people to prevent dementia by using "natural ingredients" such as coconut and cocoa. So if you eat enough Bountys, it might be possible to remember the bliss of your mother's womb. A superior advertising day to & # 39; the taste of paradise & # 39 ;. I am sure that you agree with this.
Reilly then tries to win our sympathy and declares that he has created the "Memory Repair Protocol" program to treat his wife's Alzheimer's, experimenting with various herbs, vegetables, herbs and oily components that resemble the wheels of biological impossibility .
Just as my critical abilities finally started to kick and led the mouse arrow to an incredibly small "x" in the upper right corner of the pop-up, I noticed that I was attracted to Martin's face again, his twinky electric blue eyes those lasers shot that kryptonite to cynicism.
In a desperate attempt to deflect his trait-charisma, the leftover of my clinical, objective mind somehow managed to swallow up some half-remembered trivia from the deepest guts of my memory – a well-known & # 39; fact & # 39; that coconut oil fanatics often use. The proof of the power of this oil, they claim, is illustrated by dementia-free indigenous peoples in parts of the Philippines, India and Sri Lanka, where diets have large amounts of fresh coconut.
But when applying cold logic to this initially intriguing coincidence, their healthy brains are perfectly logical – undoubtedly the result of balanced diets containing abundant amounts of fish, fruits and vegetables, all completely free of any doubtful chemicals or preservatives. Perhaps it is no coincidence that many of us are victims of dementia in the country of the pizza crunchie. On a sandwich, of course. Unlike Martin Reilly.
TOO OR NOT, IT'S ALL ACADEMIC
SOME advice: if you ever surf blissfully on the interwebs with your kecks down and your activities interrupted by Martin Reilly's Rasputiny eyes in a pro-coconut oil pop-up, strengthen your decision by saying the words of his archenemy. repeat – the Harvard scientist Karin Michels – as a protective mantra: "Pure poison, pure poison, pure poison." Note that you may never see your children again when your partner comes in.
This week, Michels enraged millions of pseudo-nutritional experts and craze sheep around the world by emphatically emphasizing that coconut oil was indeed "pure poison" and "one of the worst foods you can eat". Maybe she is not crossed with the modest pizza crunchie. Or have this unique Scottish delicacy with the obligatory roll and skoosh of tomato sauce on the bottom and curry sauce on top. How are you?
Michel's harsh words, however, were not only attentiveness, but they were fired with the righteous intention of embarrassing countless scammers who were profitable from hope and despair. It is a shame that she has not signed by clarifying that the dead are not talking either. But by reaffirming that all scientific evidence for the miraculous properties of coconut oil point to placebo, divine providence or, quite simply, people talking, Michels will now probably regret making the somewhat ridiculous debate over the alleged benefits of the substance. But like most myths, we must acknowledge that rumors about its magical properties have indeed come from a small seed of truth.
Most of us consume oil, whether it is vegetable, sunflower, olive oil or, if your doctor prescribes it legally, of course cannabis. A special component of coconut oil is caprylic acid – which breaks down the body into "ketone bodies" for cells to feed. Like Lucozade, compliments and MDMA, our brains keep these ketone bodies, and they extract a considerable amount of energy.
Brain scans of people with dementia logically show that affected areas consume less energy. Coconut worshipers often work under the pseudo-scientific suspicion that ketone bodies can give the brain the extra energy it needs to function "well". The vast majority of neuroscientists, including Michels, reject this argument – simply by the fact that cells with dementia are dead or dying. Unless you are Kriss Akabusi, whose scientists think it has the highest ever measured levels of energy in a human being and will never suffer from dementia or even die.
For the rest of us, the intake of coconut oil has not even been scientifically observed to help diabetes, cancer, heart disease, chronic fatigue, Crohn's disease, IBS, cancer, thyroid problems or any other condition that a new breed of vendors of snake oil claims to be "curable".
Selling a health product that has no positive effect is bad enough, but is coconut oil actually & # 39; poisoned & # 39; Well, it is certainly no worse than sugar or ciggies.
The main concern of Michels is the huge amount of saturated fat of the product, which in excess amounts has been linked to obesity and other serious health problems. But recent research has uncovered other factors such as genetics, lifestyle and smoking because the risk of heart disease is greater than that of saturated fat. But if you enjoy a bite while you're waiting for you to bake fries in coconut oil, it might be best to get things right before an MRI scan confirms what you already know.